Okie.. So what's next? :>

OK. So, God speaks thru events in life as well. Hmm.. so what happens now? I went for the one week trial for the call centre job but didn't work out. I quit within 3 days. Cos it's veri lay back compared to the one at the insurance company. Dunno leh.. Maybe used to it le den cannot adjust to the totally diff environment. But okie la. Knew rite from the begining that it's onli a trial le ma. Or maybe i'm anticipating too much for the perm job elsewhere? Whatever it is, it's over le la. I aso need to do some adjustments to my own mindset regarding the workng life. Not that too negative but rather to push on ba. I feel veri tired. Actually i've really breakthru in many areas of my life le. For those who knew me, they actually would know lor. So now i think, i need to learn to adapt to the pace n working style now. So that i can actually act on the plans that i've made earlier on during the starting of the month. I still find that sometimes in life, it's really one step at a time one la. The best thing abt blogging is that i can actually sort out my thoughts. Hmm.. yes... I think i should just focus. Focus has power! yup! Den will see where God will lead me to go lor.. Haha.. He is GOOD! I was veri happi wen KY said that i've breakthru last sat. It hasn't been easy But praise God that i've made it! Actually, i have some veri deep emotional prob since young. I dunno is it bcos i bearing it in my heart tat's y i'm like that or other reasons la. It's actually like this. Dun get scared ok? Wen i was young, my parents they paid special n most attention on my brothers. Especially my eldest brother. So, i'm always the ignored one. There was once which is one big time one. That one is so....... I still can rem. One day, i was at the dining table wif my parents, grandmother n all.. i was like, talking n talking... Getting all the attention on me.. finally. For that brief moment, i was... happy. But the moment my eldest brother step in, i was transparent one lor! Everyone fussed over him, ask him what he wants.. What he needs.. Customer service meh?.. But i was like, again, it's him in the limelight. I mean, every child needs attention. I dunno, but i growed up feeling like, nobody is giving me any attention. N wen another person in the group of friends gets all the attention, ( which actually, in every grp of friends, there's bound to be this senerio). I'll feel so hurt that i'll cry. I'm not trying to be childish, i aso dun wana be this way. But the hurt dwells in me n refused to go. It's hurtng me more than it's to anybody n i know that! But i can't stop being tat way! Or rather, i've been so stuck in this mindset that i need ALOT of determination n to break free. N i'm in the process of doing it. I've learnt tat wen this kinda thing happens, usually i'll wana leave. But last week at expo during dinner time at SUBWAY, i tell myself i shall stay. N all these is unreal. It's just the devil playing wif my mind that he doesn't wants me to have gd relationships wif ppl so that my life cannot be successful. Ya, if u have gd relationshios wif ppl, it's easier to get things done in life n u'll be more happy. N the devil doesn't like it wen i'm happy! N so, i shall be! haha! N as i was saying, everytime i am like talking to ppl, suddenly that feeling or rather, thinking will come to my mind, it's actually the spirit of torture. I understand that from last sat's experience. I was enjoying my fellowship wif cg wen i suddenly feel that i'm out casted, alone, pathetic n abandoned n ignored. Everytime i think that way, i'll feel the same hurt i felt that day at the dining table. I'll feel it so real that i'll just cry. Just like that. N ppl will be shocked cos they dun understand how come irene like that? What happened? But usually, i'll go toilet n cry. N i went to ladies wen that happened last sat. I stand in the toilet for such a long time, the ladies outside aso find me weird. Cos they heard me sobbing. Then i calmed myself down, n tell myself, if i wana breakthru, i must press on. The more i dun wana stay, the more i've to stay. Yup. So, i dried my tears n went out, telling everyone that i'm fine. Only KY i think, knows what happened to me. N she said that i've breakthru wen i came out of the ladies. hahah.. But i could feel so much better n clearer of y i feel this way at times since last sat. Ya.. think i'm really breaking free! yes! Still some way to go, but okie la.. Life IS a journey! Enjoy the process! haha! Actually, everyone during their childhood times, went thru so veri unhappy stuff n we tend to hold on to those feelings of hurt n hatred etc. N we bring them with us in our growing up. But that isn't rite. It isn't healthy for our soul n it'll usually manifest in my daily lives easily n that's y marriages break up. Cos whatever they experienced in their childhood, they usually do the same to their spouses n children. So, actually, emotional healing is a process. Long process but it's essential n i'm not suprised at all that almost everyone has this prob. Just diff areas la. But God can heal us! He's our healer! Of every hurts n shame! Praise Jesus! I shall be diff each n everyday wen i surrender my life to HIM!